I Want A Boy Toy

Dear Diary, 

I am nonplussed at the emotional state I am in. Been having some crazy thoughts and feelings. 

I want a boy toy. 


Writing this down feels strange to me. Where did this line of thought come from? 
I've always had a preference when it came to who I dated. Older guys. (not married please). I find them easier to relate with and a lot more mature hence less bullshit. 
But for a while now, this has changed. I am flustered. There's this boy I'm chatting with. He's young, cute and all that. And I am attracted to him. Sexually attracted to him, shockingly. Never gave two fs about young boys before. I can't say I am a cougar. No! So where did this cougar feeling emanate from? How can one so young appeal to someone with interest in age and maturity... To an old soul. 

Here I am, hanging onto my phone. Waiting impatiently for his call, text or chat message... Anything at all. 
Daily, I catch myself daydreaming about him. His face, his pink lips, his voice... What fascinates me the most is his innocence. His purity. No knowledge of desire.. Of lust. 

Now I'm schooling him. Eagerly tutoring him. Gently edging him towards becoming what I want him to be... My boy toy. 
And then, his eagerness to know more fuels my passion. The wonder and excitement in his voice when he asks questions and how he gasps "whoaa!" when I give him examples of the 'bad things' I want him to be aware of. 
He's learning fast. He tells me he is sure he will be very good when he finally does it. And I smile.  And envision him... US... Together 
Wild and crazy is all that comes to mind. 
I've never yearned so much to educate someone,. I don't even like to teach. But this boy of mine, I want to mould him into my own 'Christian Grey'... Have my very own seventy shades of Nazz. 
And this is what scares me. What if this wish is granted? What next? Will I really want it then? Or is it just the excitement of being able to corrupt someone?  Is this wrong? 
Is it weird that when I think of him, the words Dominant and Submissive come up.? 

This urge... This want... I can't describe it. But it's so strong. I feel like I 'need' to let it all out.. Like I was made to corrupt him.  Like its a purpose in life. That's how intense it is.. Lol

Dear Diary, I sleep very late at night now. Sometimes I don't even sleep at all. At night, we chat till the early hours of morning. 
I love him. I love that he's a nerd. He's all books and no play. And I love the fact that I feel like I own him. Not in a bad way but in the sense of belonging. He's mine I'm his Hugh Hefner and he's my Holly Madison. Not in a way that emasculates him but sort of a role play kinda thing. 
But then again, Diary, what if this gets beyond passion. Beyond the sex appeal. What if I really fall in love with him. What if then he's beyond redemption, how will I cope? 
I do not know what to do.