Beyond Redemption

    There she lay on her back, her body rocking as the man went in and out of her, sweating and panting as
though he was doing a 10 kilometre run. He was pot-bellied and greying already. He was definitely way older than her friend Susan had told her. 

Disgusted could not explain how she felt at the moment. She was irritated, not just at the man but mostly at her self and maybe life. As if life had not been cruel enough to take her parents away, she had had to drop out of school to fend for her siblings. 

Why had she agreed to this? Why had she come here? She knew it was definitely going to end in this, yet she came. She had had no plans to sleep with this man,,, so what made her leave her house to come see him? 

"you got to know when to hold on. 
Know when to fold up
Know when to walk away
Know when to run"

"I should have run today",  Jane thought, as Kenny Rogers played in the background. 
"I should have picked my bag and taken off while I had the chance"
She blinked away the tears gathering in her eyes... 

So why on Earth did she stay back after realising her mistake in coming..? 'Maybe he'd be the type that just wanted company and not sex.  
With that huge pot belly he can't be having sex.' The thought crept in. 
'Yeah right!' She crushed it.

She thought of his kids. One of the girls was her age mate. She remembered when he had called her on phone... The love and tenderness with which he spoke to his daughter. What would this man think of her tomorrow? A prostitute? 
Definitely! Who else would readily sleep with someone old enough to be their father.. Someone they did not even know. 

'Jane, you're a prostitute', she told herself. 
'A shameless one'. 

She had never felt this rotten in her miserable life. This was not living, was it? She was merely existing. 

There she was in bed naked with a pot-bellied old man grunting on top of her. She had refused to kiss him as much as he tried to force his mouth upon hers. She couldn't bear the mouth odour touching her lips. 
This was what she had brought upon herself. And what was all this worth?
Money? 
And to think they never even talked about money before the sex. So she had no idea if he would even give her some cash when they, rather when he was done. 

"Oh God!", She wept. "How did I fall so below your Grace? How did it get this bad?" 
She remembered when she was eleven singing in the church choir. How amazing it had felt being in God's presence. Now she couldn't even remember the last time she had prayed let alone been in a church. 
What had her life become?
Worthless! 

She was drawn out of her thoughts when she felt him jerk and grunt louder..
"Oh thank jeez" The torment was finally over. 
He rolled over and fell asleep immediately his back hit the bed. She stared at his huge stomach and resentment washed over her. 
She wept more... Totally ashamed of herself. She picked her clothes off the floor and slowly dressed up. Trying as much as possible not to wake him up, she quietly snuck out of the bedroom into the sitting room. 

There she crumpled to the floor and wept bitterly, knowing that no matter how much time passed or how many lifetimes she found herself in, this dirt would forever be etched in her mind. She was tainted for all eternity.